What Did She Know and When Did She Know It?

At the end of last year, my 17 year man John Vatcher asked me to move forward with putting together a settlement of the last remaining comingled asset we held, our swank penthouse condo where we lived together for over 10 years and where he continued to live when I moved out and began living alone 4 years ago.

All through our many exciting years together – 17 of ‘em, hence his nickname - John and I were absolutely sure we would always be in love, we would always be close and we would always help each other, no matter what, and I truly believed that right up until he made me mad at the end of last year. 

I was mad about one thing and one thing only; I was mad about the timing of his request. 

We’d been living separately for almost 4 years and there were several times during those 4 years that I suggested we settle the condo but we never did because he always had a reason why it was good for both of us to leave it as it was and so that’s the way we left it. 

From the beginning of my relationship with John, he dearly loved Mom – what’s not to love? - and in between in person visits they stayed in touch with each other by phone and online. 

In August when the Rays and their record were becoming credible and Mom had just received her cancer diagnosis, John told the Big Three (Mom, Pooge & I) that we were sworn to secrecy about it – his family, especially his father, must never know - but that in honor of Mom he was officially rooting for the Rays instead of his beloved Red Sox.

This was huge.

It was perhaps the highest demonstration of love possible for John. 

The only time he’s seen his father cry was during that  famous and horrible Bill Buckner play of many years ago and John himself dropped his head on the bar and sobbed, right there in Fox Sports Bar in downtown Seattle, when the Red Sox came back to take the Series in 2005.  His brother met his future wife at a Red Sox game and the proposal took place in an empty Fenway Park, right there at home plate. 

His family is a Red Sox family. 

As Mom’s cancer advanced last summer, John and Mom talked about it and they told each other how much they loved each other, she always told him to take care of me and he promised to do just that.  Not only was he sweet and caring with Mom but he’s also been a rock for me.

Everything was as expected between John and I until mid-October.

Background:  I’d found a girlfriend for John in July of 2007 and at first she seemed fine with the fact that he and I are still really close but over time, that changed and as their relationship advanced toward the end of last year, he said it was becoming important for him to cash me out of the condo so he could be the sole owner of it; that way, when she moved in with him she’d feel like she was moving into his place, not our place. 

The only problem with that was when John needed me to get the settlement together I was busy with Mom. 

Mom was dying and I was trying to help her die and that takes a lot of time, a lot of emotion, a lot of work. 

I told John that I was focused on being with Mom and I didn’t want to take time away from that to work on the settlement.  I assured him that other things in my life, other really important things, were going untended; I had to present at a huge educational conference starting November 3^rd and I wasn’t prepared, I had a booth at a trade show that same week and I didn’t have materials for the booth. 

I explained that it wasn’t just his request for me to prepare a settlement that I was neglecting, I was behind in everything, everything other than Mom.  I was current with Mom.

I told him that her condition was worsening so dramatically that there was no way she would live past Thanksgiving.  I promised him that we’d be settled out on the condo before the end of the year, for sure.

He said “Bec, there won’t ever be a good time.” 

I said “But I want to focus on Mom.”

He said “It will always be something.”

I said “But it will only be THIS once, she’s only going to die once and she’s dying now.”

He was unconvinced and with that, I was done.

I was done with him. 

While in North Carolina and instead of focusing on Mom or helping Joann, I spent many hours on the phone and online to find an appraiser who specializes in the type of penthouse construction we have (rare) and I ordered the appraisals (one for March 2005 which is when I moved out and one for October 2008 which is the time of the settlement) and when I received the report I forwarded copies to John.

He said “This is a bad time for me, my company is struggling.”

I said . . .  Well, you can imagine what I said. 

Meantime, as the Rays were working their way through the playoffs and as they were beating those evil Boston Red Sox, Mom was getting worse and worse.  When I talked with John during the Rays Sox series, he told me he was rooting for the Red Sox.  What happened to rooting for the Rays in mom’s honor?   

I could have killed him.  Twice.

Done.  I was done.

But he wasn’t. 

He would email me and ask how Mom was and I told him he no longer had a right to know anything about us.  I assured him that I would let him know when she died and until then, to remember that any kindness he could have shown Mom or me was negated by his insistence that I move ahead with the settlement. 

The last day I saw Mom, she asked me to make up with John. 

I said there was absolutely no way I would make up with John because he didn’t care about her and he didn’t care about me and that if he did, he would not have had me go to the work of moving the condo settlement forward when I wanted and needed to be doing more with and for her.   She was well aware of how long it took me to find an appraiser and I wasn’t going to let her forget that about him. 

And her words were . . . well, she didn’t say anything.  But she gave me a look and the look she gave me was one of acceptance, satisfaction and certainty. 

At the time, I thought she was certain that I would be okay and I would do it without John. 

Mom and I were in love with each other.  John and I were not.

So, we all know Mom died at the end of October.  I’m doing my I told you so dance as I write this, because I was most certainly right that my settlement with John happened no sooner as a result of him pushing me to work on it while Mom was still alive; I’ve still not given him the Quit Claim Deed but he did cash me out just before Christmas. 

But, the really great part about this story is that John came to his senses.  He not only broke up with his girlfriend but he told me how sorry he was for having behaved poorly and he asked me to forgive him. 

And of course I did. And I love him even more than ever. 

And that’s what Mom knew would happen. 

Mom’s always know about stuff like that and as I’ve thought about that look Mom gave me when I spoke the truth about John’s temporary insanity (that’s what it was) I’ve realized that she knew he and I would recover.  Her certainty, acceptance and satisfaction had to do with her already knowing he’d be sorry, her already knowing I’d forgive him and her already knowing we’d be fine.  And that we’d be fine without her.

So, John is happily single, he’s busy working on perfecting his gnocchi recipe and during my recent move he’s been spending a lot of time at my place getting me settled into my new home. 

He was over yesterday putting up shelves and he told me about April 6^th.

April 6^th is Opening Day for the Red Sox.

They open at Fenway.

They play the Rays.

Love and Prayers From Here to There